Angel Webb: A Case Study

It’s the newest craze with the kids these days to make Facebook fan pages of varying retardation and specificity. Some people take it very seriously, some ignore this fad all together, and then there are those like myself who spend their free time hunting for those especially special cases so that they may adorn their own profile with these ironic badges of honor. I ran across the following gem a fortnight or so ago and my life has been forever changed.

As an English professor (this one goes out to you Nancy Schafer) this should elicit one of a few responses: disgust, pity or laughter. Being the smug misanthropist that I am, I had feelings of, let’s say, one-third pity, two-thirds humor. But the journey does not end here. Internet snooping is another of my great passions; I’ll always take the opportunity to observe and learn about a person. Think of me as one of those National Geographic scientists who spend weeks watching lions lay around in the wild in the hopes that at some point something worthwhile will come of it, perhaps an epic battle with their mortal enemies: the hyenas. This approach doesn’t always yield some sort of reward, but it amuses me nonetheless. I managed to locate the creator of this fan page and have since friended her. For the last fortnight or so I have been subject to her inane babblings, some of which I will discuss here. 

I’d like to take this time to stress that, while I am having some fun at this girl’s expense, I don’t hold my fourteen-year-old self (did I forget to mention she’s fourteen?) in much higher of an esteem than I hold her. I understand that we all look back at our teenage selves in embarrassment. I doubt she is exempt from this. Her profile was what one might expect from the aforementioned page that brought us together. Read these two excerpts phonetically, out loud, emphasizing the double letters for maximum effect. Some typical examples from her wall include:

“Yehww gohtt me lifted shiftedd higherr thenn thaa ceilingg ! Andd oowhh we ihts thaa altimitee feelingg .. Liftedd feelingg so giftedd Shuuggaa howw yehww gehtt so flyy ?? :) (shuuggaa howw gehtt so flyy ??)”

“I wishh i haadd dorass numbeerr ! CUUZHH WHENN YUU DONTT KNOEE HOWW TO GETT TO WEREE YEHWW GOHTT TO GO .. yehww usee thaa maapp ! I WONDEERR IFF IHTT COULDD HELPP MEE FINDD MYY WAAYY BAAKK TO HISS HEARTT ! </3 (" “

 

I find this distressing. For days and days she updated with nothing but things fitting this template. I began to question whether she knew how to spell properly at all. I even took into consideration that perhaps she had Parkinson’s, or that maybe she is limbless and types with her forehead. Alas, the amateur linguist in me began to notice how her typing style often changed from moment to moment. At some points she typed almost properly. Here we have the most heartfelt and ambitious effort to date, as she shares with us a heartfelt confession. It fills me with the hope that she could have a chance. 

 

“I remember when no one had to tell me they were proud of me cuzh i was proud of myself. Now ivee let myself down andd changed and school doesnt mean as much as it use to.it seems lyke i lost myself. /: Now i gotta get bak to how it use to be and prove myselff ! I want everyone to be like shes the one thats gowna make something out of her life and shes not destined for failure .”

 

How does this fit into popular culture at all? Well, it doesn’t really. I just started writing and here I am two pages later. But I believe we can all agree that one’s writing reflects one’s character.  What kind of character does her writing reflect? Whether the cause is the schools, her upbringing, the media, or a combination of these and other factors, something here is failing her in a big way.